Me, Him, and Us

Me him and us 

As I sit here, typing away, my mind reflects on the past- once again. It reflects on many aspects of the past; it reflects on my time being “married”, the move I took (with you), and the countless nights we spent together. 

For the time I was married (it wasn’t a real marriage/wedding of course) but I was seven, do you recall? And I’d just met you recently- you were laying on the air mattress laid out right by the couch on the back wall, the last I went there there was a pool/hockey table there- but that was years ago and I haven’t been back since Tiffany moved out before Grandma Eva passed away… Either way, for memory’s sake let’s say the couch is still there. The room is like it was. The rocking chair in the corner with that throw on it, the piano right there when you walk in on the left, straight ahead the couch, the first thing you see when walking in the other couch- the one where Brian (or Michael?) slept on, you are below him on the air mattress. 

I like this. Seeing you there, reflecting. It’s nice to remember we had good memories before our first move together. I always thought that our love started on that trip but looking back- and seeing this in my mind (Something I haven’t revisited in years), reminds me that- and somehow I forgot this- I loved you more from the start… From the beginning, before the move and the nights we spent.. And maybe that’ll help me move on… The reminder that our love started out way before our move and those nights, when Michael and Brian played Kitty Cannon (and maybe you did too, I don’t recall) and you lay there sleepily. I don’t remember much from that time when you and the boys’ were at our house but this “marriage” incident sticks out to me… And the time we went to grandpa’s and you and the boys ate a TON! (You always did (growing boys…)). But that’s pretty much it as far as early memories of the two- sometimes 4- of us… I remember going over to the air mattress (I swore I slept there the night before but common knowledge tells me mom and dad would’ve never allowed it so I probably just snuck in earlier in the morning). 

I remember laying next to you, seeing you and saying “Spencer, I love you,” intertwining our hands, “I love you and so we’re married, alright? That’s it. I love you so much that we’re married.” And I looked over at mom and said, “Spencer and I are married now,” And her going, “What?” and pulling out her phone and having me retell the fact that we were “married” because of how much I loved you and then putting her phone away and then mom leaving to go see when breakfast would be done and I swore you said Something about our marriage- I doubt you would’ve just gone along with this (but maybe you would’ve gone along with it and I just don’t remember… But I remember the smell of I think it was potatoes and eggs and dad saying, “Time to eat!” and me turning to you, half-asleep next to me- and going, “Spencer, c’mon.

 Dad says it’s time to eat.” And your response of, “No. I’m gonna stay here a bit longer.” And my insistent, “No. It’s time to eat. Dad says, cmon!” (I sound like Grace now that I think about it…) while tugging on your hand. And you’re, “I’m gonna sleep a little longer and then I’ll go.” And my releasing of your hand- upset- and leaving for the kitchen, yelling, “FINE! THEN WE’RE DIVORCED!” And then going into the kitchen to tell everyone that “Spencer and I are divorced now! He doesn’t want to come eat.” And then eating- maybe it was pancakes? It was something dad Always makes- you’d probably remember better than me., considering you were 19 or 20 at the time and I was 7 or 8… My memory is a bit fuzzy.

The time when we moved together consists of a bunch of memories all bundled up together. You and I in the store standing in the aisle and looking at Funyuns, something you swore was “really good” and so I took your word as gospel and we bought some. To be honest, I was never a huge Funyun fan- I mean, I was at first, but after like bag 2 or 3( ½ ) I just lost interest and they didn’t taste quite as good., Not that I ever let you know that. If you were eating them, then so was I- because if you liked them- then to just-turned-8-year-old me, I did too. But anyhow, the move consists of a bunch of memories all bundled up together, the time(s) we bought Funyuns and ate them, the many stories we read on the road (together and seperate) and just bonding with you- happy to finally have someone who was just as nerdy as I was. 

I remember looking through our future house (that we all now call the Elmore house (because it was located in Elmore, Minnesota) and having dad explain what we could make each room- although I don’t remember mom taking pictures! 😲

We had some good times in that house… which leads me to the nights. I feel like the hardest topic, something I’ve written a monologue (For Drama auditions), and at least 5 or 6 songs about… Because it’s what makes letting go the hardest.

But onto, the nights. They typically started because of one of 2 reasons. Reason one, I couldn’t sleep- and reason 2 because mom and dad’s fighting had kept me up- and some nights it was a combo of both. I think the first two verses and the chorus in this song I wrote called “Bedroom” defines it all: 

            Verse 1- Sitting here, up late again- nothing to do, sighing cause I’m bored and then realizing you are just down the hall, my best friend my all. Sneaking out of bed, gotta tiptoe out of the bedroom, 6 month old asleep in the one across from me- stop and check no one’s coming near- nope., can still hear fighting from down there- so it’s ok, even though I’m not ok.  And one quick tiptoe into the short hall- past the large vent (can see the downstairs from it) don’t know if anyone can see me if they look up so I go quick- who puts a large vent in the middle of the hall?

           Chorus- And now here I am final destination know I’m ok, at my destination, knocking on your door praying you’re awake hope ‘m not waking you up at all. And then the door opens and there you are, my all. You look alright, not tired at all- a quick smile spreads (in the future I’ll reflect on this when you’re gone and dead (but we don’t know it so it’s become commonplace me coming here your bedroom becoming my safe haven again tonight) and I stand here, not ok- depends on the night depends on if I’ll hear a “Are you ok? What you doing up tonight?” But most nights you don’t ask most nights we both know it’s because of the fights I hear, you hear, we hear so I’m here

              Verse 2- Standing here, up late again and you just open the door more, “C’mon in kiddo. Come sit and we can talk.” And I do. And we do. And somehow through the fights I feel like I’m home in this room. With just you and me, and the moon is up and I suppose that tree too. And we sit and talk about life and school and you hold me here as tears are falling and you quiet my fears, saying, we’ll “see things in a new light by morning” before you say to me, “Think I hear someone comin’”- that or you notice me starting to fall asleep so from your room I leave so I can go to my own room to fall asleep (End of quote/song for this reference (End of verse 2))

And that’s really how the nights were. Me sneaking into his room, and staying up for hours talking about books we’d read recently or wanted to read, fighting (playfully of course (as well as quietly)) over whether Harry Potter or Star Wars was better *cough cough Harry Potter*, me talking to him about school and friends and who was rude and… And when needed, just openly crying into his chest- he was the first (male) person I cried in front of.. Who taught me crying is okay. His bedroom- my sanctuary. Something I will forever be grateful for. And SomeOne I try to become more and more like, in that sense, every day. Because I also have a little sister… And, although in recent years the fighting has lessened a LOT (and it rarely happens now) I’d still like to be there if she needs, trying to distract her (like Spencer did me) from the raging storm outside the bedroom door that we’re in… “The door’s always open and I’m always here.” was what he told me almost every night as I’d leave his room and it’s something I try to remind Grace when she’s had a rough day. The time I almost got caught tho… Haha

          During our time in Elmore I remember him standing outside by the car- and me passing it to go to school/ the bus stop (so maybe he’d just gotten home? Or something Idk but he was out there…) and him going, “Hey kiddo.” And me just thinking ‘I’m kiddo- his kiddo.’ and in a way now, my aunt calls me kiddo and I feel robbed… like ‘I’m not Your kiddo- I’m Spencer’s., dead or not I’m his and he’s mine so Don’t call me that.’ But I don’t say that because it’s nice to be called ‘Kiddo’ again and she kind of does that with everyone.. So I say nothing and she keeps calling me it, and occasionally I’ll just think ‘But I’m not yours’. Occasionally. 

        Okay, so let me explain the time I almost got caught- it must’ve been a time when I couldn’t sleep (not because of the fighting) or maybe it was and they had finished early…? I don’t remember, either way I had just gotten out of Spencer’s room- literally less than two minutes before he had told me, “I think someone’s coming. You gotta go.” And I Think he added that he didn’t want (us) to get in trouble but I don’t remember. Either way it was early in the morning/late at night- but like before sunrise (cause sometimes I’d stay in his room till the sun came up and I had just left his room and quickly but quietly tiptoed/ran out of his room to my room and was at my doorway when my mom appeared next to me (note I have no side vision) and was like, “What are you doing up?” and I yawned and hope she bought it., “I just went to the bathroom and now I’m heading back to bed.” And she must’ve bought it (Either that or she had a “Conversation” with Spencer later, “Oh. Okay. Goodnight.” and then went to Grace’s room to check on her and I just laid in bed and thought ‘YES!’… before falling asleep.

And now, there’s me, him and us…